So I’m sitting at home in pajamas, watching the Olympics and eating biscuits. Because nothing makes you feel good about yourself like eating wads of flaky, from-a-Pillsbury-can dough while overly muscular people entertain you with feats of athletic greatness.
Here are some thoughts I’ve had while watching the Olympics this year:
Usain Bolt is ten million times cooler than Michael Phelps. He’s better looking and he has gold shoes. I want his shoes.
I always wanted to be a gymnast but I was too tall. Instead I got to go through puberty, develop social skills and have a normal, well-rounded life. But sometimes I still wish I could do a backflip.
Bob Costas hasn’t done a push-up in his life
Full-body swimsuits have ruined men’s swimming for female spectators everywhere.
So there’s a power-walking event in the Olympics? How embarrassing is that? You’re moving into your suite in the Olympic Village and someone asks what sport you play. What do you tell them? “Yeah…I do walking. How about you? The decathlon, huh? Well, that’s pretty cool, I gotta go to practice now. I have a pretty rigorous training schedule.”
…Why do divers shower after they get out of the water?
How are scrunchies still the hair tie of choice among gymnasts? At least they finally got over that god-awful poofy bang phase.
There’s this adorable, 21-year-old sprinter from Jamaica named Shelly Ann Fraser. She has a mouth full of braces and when she won the 100-meter race, she flung herself onto the track and kicked her feet up in the air. She looked like a kid who had just received a puppy for a her birthday. I kind of adore her.
Women's beach vollyball looks like softcore porn
I always root for Russia. They all look so pasty and unhappy, I want them to win. Also to say “Moose and Squirrel” in all their interviews.
Male gymnasts wear stirrup pants.
The human steeplechase is the best thing I’ve ever seen.
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